How Well Do We Know Anyone?
By Andrew Robinson
It’s been over ten years since Dylan and Eric entered Columbine High School armed with semiautomatic weapons and explosives with the intent to harm and kill their fellow students. In that time we’ve come to know those killed in the tragedy, we’ve cheered and supported those injured as they defied the odds and took back their lives. We’ve seen classes resume and students graduate. We’ve welcomed new teachers and said goodbye to old friends. We’ve held vigils and called for moments of silence and even shouted, “We Are Columbine.” We’ve heard from every witness, officer and expert. We’ve read countless books, watched hours of television coverage and even scoured the Internet. We’ve tightened our belts, increased security and changed the face of modern education. All in the name of Columbine.
Through it all, we’ve wondered why. Why did they do it? What turns a teen into a murder? We point fingers, claim to know the truth, yet are no closer to resolution. But we persist. We write books, publish studies and make movies yet we can’t answer the one question we’ve wanted answered for ten years…why?
Seemingly everyone involved with Columbine with the means and the motive to speak publicly about it has, with two exceptions, Dylan and Eric’s parents. For over ten years the parents of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris have remained silent and have lived well outside of the public eye. The only statement given by either family was part of a deposition, which has since been sealed due to the terms of an out of court settlement.
Until now.
Susan Klebold has written an essay for O Magazine (Oprah Magazine) about her son Dylan, that fateful day at Columbine and how she’s spent the past ten years asking herself the same question; why?
It is not my intention to paraphrase or editorialize Susan Klebold’s words for I feel her struggles, emotions and message are far too important to be summed up by a simple filmmaker. If you wish to read Mrs. Klebold’s essay please venture to your nearest newsstand and pick up the November issue of O Magazine.
The initial response to Mrs. Klebold’s essay has been positive, which I find encouraging though I’m sure there are those out there that do not share my view(s) and/or feel Mrs. Klebold’s outlet for breaking her silence wholly appropriate. It seems ten years can do a lot more than simply heal old wounds…it can provide perspective. There is one topic or point that Mrs. Klebold touches upon that I consider worthy of further discussion and exploration and that is the fact that she, like many of us, was caught completely off guard despite the perpetrator being her own son. She simply didn’t know.
This simple statement resonated with me for it’s a viewpoint and a topic that has been on my mind for years following the attack. How well do we ever really know someone? It’s one thing to apply that question to a stranger or someone we just met, however it becomes more troubling when we apply it to loved ones or dear friends. In Mrs. Klebold’s case, the unknown took the form of her son’s deep depression and anguish, which many experts agree is one of, if not the central cause of Dylan’s participation in the attacks. The fact that Mrs. Klebold stresses she had no inkling that her son was headed down such a dark road is bound to infuriate some and reignite those who believe parents either know or should know everything about their children.
I say, not true.
I could just about fill the Grand Canyon with what my parents don’t know about me, especially when it comes to my years spent as a student at Columbine High School. I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one. It’s in our DNA to keep certain happenings and/or facts private or away from those of authority, especially among teens. Is it right? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t but it doesn’t alter the fact that it’s a universal phenomenon and one that Mrs. Klebold now knows all too well.
Should we blame the parents of those who would kill or commit violent acts against their fellow human? In some instances it may be appropriate, but a blanket rational it is not. I’ve argued that parents, or any authoritative figure for that matter, often take the brunt of the blame when it comes to violent crimes when the perpetrator is no longer among the living to shoulder the blame themselves because as a culture we still demand our pound of flesh. In our thirst we often forget that the perpetrators of these violent acts are people too, people often with families and/or loved ones that are equally devastated not only at the loss of their child but by the knowledge of what they’ve done. We’re not wrong in wanting justice, understanding and closure we just have a tendency to seek it at the cost of rationale and compassion, which is its own type of violence.
But getting back to my earlier point about teens keeping things from their parents. I realize that my comment about it being in our DNA is more anecdotal than factual, for communication, even the lack thereof, is a learned behavior. We can ask how well do we know our children but must realize children have every right to ask, how well do they know their parents?
Before I go any further I should point out that I am not a parent, while I have spent considerable time helping raise my two younger brothers I have no child of my own, therefore can only sympathize with what parents must feel and/or go through. I know at times my brothers have viewed me in a more parental light, no doubt in response to our drastic age differences, and I know I have done the same. And just like my parents there is an awful lot I do not know about my brothers just as there is an awful lot they do not know about me.
When I was growing up it wasn’t the parent’s job to be their child’s best friend, it was their job to be their parent and parents knew everything about everything and always knew best. Over time we’ve gotten away from that, which is probably a good thing, because I believe growing up in a household that doesn’t allow for the questioning of authority or ideas, albeit in a responsible and respectful way, is detrimental to a child’s development. All to often our views of the world are handed to us and/or heavily shaped by our parents and simply accepted without really knowing why. One could argue that it is a parent’s job to help shape and guide their children in preparation for life so as not to make the same mistakes they did or their parents did. Yet, how many of those “mistakes” are ever truly shared with children to serve as a backdrop and illustrate a reason to the why?
Case in point, a few years ago I worked on a marketing campaign for a documentary called “The Killer Within,” which told the story of an elderly man, Bob Bechtel, and his family. Bob was an upstanding citizen and an all around good guy. He had a beautiful wife of thirty plus years and children who turned out to be loving, compassionate, educated and successful individuals. He built a wonderful life for himself and his family yet they didn’t know that all of Bob’s efforts were born out of his need for atonement because of what he had done fifty years prior while away at college. Bob Bechtel shot and killed his roommate, while he slept, before venturing out onto the campus to kill more of his fellow classmates. Bob was eventually apprehended and charged with the brutal murder, however because he was 17 at the time, a minor, Bob served only a year for his crime before being released. He then spent the next fifty years doing everything in his power to make up for his actions. A quality he stressed and passed onto his children without fail and without them ever knowing the true reasons behind it.
Now, I know this is an extreme case but I believe the point to be valid. We never really know everything about those we share our lives with, no matter how connected or open we believe we are. Mrs. Klebold didn’t know just as Mr. Bechtel’s family didn’t. It all comes down to communication and trust.
As sons and daughters we have to communicate with our parents or those in a position to help us with our problems and trust that our views will not be used against us or as fuel to pass judgment. As parents or persons of influence and/or authority we have to respect every viewpoint, regardless if we agree with it or not, and be willing to share our own experiences and feelings no matter how painful or fallible it may make us seem or feel. That is what true communication is, for the only way we can hope to be safe and protect one another is through the open sharing of ideas and experiences that will create a common ground from which we can work from together.
In the case of Dylan Klebold and his mother perhaps the communication could’ve been better. Perhaps it could’ve shed light onto the reasons surrounding Dylan’s depression and allowed for both Dylan and his mother to work together towards a positive end, however and for whatever reason, Dylan felt he had to face his problems alone. I cannot answer nor will I speculate as to what Dylan’s reasons were other than to say I feel for Mrs. Klebold and her constant struggle for answers and closure as she learns about her son through what wasn’t communicated. I do not blame Mrs. Klebold for her son’s actions and applaud her efforts to help those battling depression so others can avoid the pain that she, like countless others, have endured.
I would like to take these last moments to urge anyone out there who is battling depression or knows of someone who may be battling depression and/or contemplating suicide to reach out, either to a friend or loved one or to any of a number of organizations that can provide help. If you or someone you love want to speak to someone about depression and/or suicide please contact the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention or the American Association of Suicidology.
Keywords: How Well Do We Know Anyone, Dylan Klebold, Susan Klebold, O Magazine, Oprah, Columbine High School, Columbine, Depression, The Killer Within, Bob Bechtel, Parents, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, American Association of Suicidology, Suicide,
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October 14th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
[...] April Showers Movie-Now on iTunes, Amazon, AmazonVOD, Netflix, IndieFlix-Independent Movie News, How… http://www.aprilshowersmovie.com/2009/10/14/how-well-do-we-know-anyone – view page – cached It’s been over ten years since Dylan and Eric entered Columbine High School armed with semiautomatic weapons and explosives with the intent to harm and kill their fellow students. In that time… (Read more)It’s been over ten years since Dylan and Eric entered Columbine High School armed with semiautomatic weapons and explosives with the intent to harm and kill their fellow students. In that time we’ve come to know those killed in the tragedy, we’ve cheered and supported those injured as they defied the odds and took back their lives. We’ve seen classes resume and students graduate. We’ve welcomed new teachers and said goodbye to old friends. We’ve held vigils and called for moments of silence and even shouted, “We Are Columbine.” We’ve heard from every witness, officer and expert. We’ve read countless books, watched hours of television coverage and even scoured the Internet. We’ve tightened our belts, increased security and changed the face of modern education. All in the name of Columbine. (Read less) — From the page [...]
October 15th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Andrew addresses several issues which I believe are correct. It is impossible to always know what really goes on in peoples minds and why they commit crimes. We can not predict how someone will act in a given situation. We are quick to place blame on others who may have little or nothing to do with an act of violence. Parents & children alike often think they know each other when they really don’t. We need to be better communicators. Because we often don’t recognize or ignore signs of depression and suicidal thinking, shocking and unbelievable acts by humans happen.
Although the science of Psychology combined with the medical field of Psychiatry has devised methods for defining and treating mental illness they, like any health profession, are not flawless. Practitioners in those fields experience a high number of suicides within their own group. So where does that leave us.
Some facts apparent regarding the behavior of people are that they are capable of committing unintelligible and atrocious acts that even the wildest of beasts are incapable of doing. At the same time they can be ingenious, loving and philanthropic.
For me, I believe that anyone suicidal or not, who takes the life and mental well being of another, out of an act of anger, jealousy,depression, hatred or whatever twisted idea they have, commits the ultimate act of selfishness. No matter what the situation they are solely responsible. There are many who are depressed and think of ending their lives but it doesn’t lead to them taking innocent people with them. It is true that the news & entertainment media,cultural degradation, along with parents, teachers, employers, friends and the list goes on often have a hand in tormenting others. That doesn’t give people a ticket to commit mass murder. There are those parents who should not be parents due to their ignorance of what proper parenting is. At the same time some children choose not to follow the guidance of those practicing proper parenting. None of us that I know of ever was offered a course in how to be a good parent.
There are those who no matter what is provided will do evil deeds. An example that comes to mind is an individual, Robert Hawkins. He was a young man of 20 years who in 2007 gunned down several people in a Von Maur shopping mall. Nine people including himself died that day. This individual had been offered every program available to help someone having mental health and substance abuse problems. He went through all of the juvenile and social service programs that were offered. People were aware that he was possibly suicidal but nothing anyone tried to do seemed to work. He chose to live with friends instead of family and wanted to do things his way. In the end he committed the most selfish and horrific act any human could.
We may never know why people can be so incredibly cruel but the fact remains it happens. Placing blame never resolves the issue. Andrew is correct in recommending agencies and helping professions that depressed and/or suicidal thinking people can go to for treatment. It doesn’t guarantee, sadly, that this will fix the problem.
Dan